I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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