trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
