I met the friendliest cop last night
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
