if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
