i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is my gift to your gina
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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