She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
