There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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