So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize