So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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