all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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