It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
