I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's blow job season.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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