Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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