I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize