Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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