in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
These tits shall not be calmed
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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