I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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