We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
