can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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