Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
