pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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