OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
