Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
