He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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