i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
