smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize