I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
