Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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