Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
