just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Let's get the cat blown out
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I believe in your delicious
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
