god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize