For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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