Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
