You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
