You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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