Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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