I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize