all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize