Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
