I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
