ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
