had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
