you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
