what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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