either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
