I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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