I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
