just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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