wrigley field is MILF paradise
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
