I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
