Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
