Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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