So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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