I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
