So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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