Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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