Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
