my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
