Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
false alarm, still single
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
