That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just sucked dick on a ferry
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
