I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
