I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
