I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
