i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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