I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
