yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
