she looked like the before picture.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
