Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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